4. The 'Sup. (Most commonly used and most i don't really know you but i'm saying hi to you because i might know you in the future)
Performed most often by guys who know each-other's name but aren't close, freshmen who want rides from seniors, or guys who are cool with eachother, this greeting is most often performed by sticking the hands in the pockets, squinting or widening the eyes, and then enunciating a casual "...suuuuuuup" (vowels vary from individual to individual).
3. The BroHug
Usually used by those who feel the need to be extremely friendly to everybody and those who aren't afraid to make body contact with people, this maneuver is performed by extending a handshake, rotating the handshake 180-degrees, and pulling towards each-other, kind of like the way you pull a fishing rod when you catch a fish that turns out to be a plastic bag caught on a log caught in the mud. aaanywayy...the BroHug is terminated by hugging with one arm. In the ideal circumstance, this lasts for about 2 seconds. Any longer is reserved for people you haven't seen in three or more months, or coupled with several back-slaps by both parties.
2. The Fatherly Pat
The Fatherly Pat is a method of greeting reserved specifically for those with an age gap of 13+ years and no desire to have a conversation longer than 4 words. Simpler than the other two methods we've discussed previously, this maneuver is swift in execution, yet can go dangerously awry. Once again, the ideal circumstance is this: Bro and Fatherly Figure walk towards each other and make eye contact. Bro mumbles a few words while Fatherly Figure smiles, claps Bro on the shoulder gently, and our two characters part ways.
BUT WAIT.
There are two variations of this scenario: Promotion and Utter Disaster.
Picture Bro and Fatherly Figure again, fast-forward our previous scenario. Play at the Fatherly Figure smile. Bro and Fatherly Figure, by some alignment of the stars or divine gust of wind, happen to extend their hands for a handshake at the same time. A handshake and clap on the shoulder is performed, Bro is elated at his success, and our characters are hereby PROMOTED to the BroHug.
Second variation: An unlucky Bro applies for a potential PROMOTION. His demise is short and swift: He goes for a handshake, Fatherly Figure does not see it, and is left with his hand sticking out as a marker of his hasty youthfulness and naïvety. At this point, he has only two options left: the Stomach Rub (also known as the fixing the middle shirt buttons) or the Utter Desolation (retract hand, looking slightly abashed).
Let us flee from such dismal circumstances to our final, glorious description:
1. The Firmly Shaken Hand
The mountain climber's summit, the victorious conquer pausing and looking around the battlefield, and the successful guitar solo of all manly handshakes and salutation. All men strive to master this famed but rarely accomplished act of greeting, yet not merely any man succeeds. A feat truly beyond any tutorial, it suffices to say that a firmly shaken hand, one without any finger fumbles, crushers, or slides, should be the goal of every man, and should be a skill passed down from generation to generation. Gentlemen give real handshakes.
